Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

If Your Easily Offended…

Last night my wife and I enjoyed the Swansea visit of the Seriously Funny Tour featuring  the music of Nicki Rogers (You really must hear her new single I Bless the Day. No, I insist. No, really, you’ll kick yourself if you don’t, all your teeth will fall out and people will point and laugh) and the wit and wisdom of Adrian Plass and Jeff Lucas. It was mostly location humour and I doubt Christians have ever laughed so much in church  – mostly at ourselves. There was blessing in abundance as we walked out with permission to take the gospel seriously while not take ourselves too seriously.

Some think humour doesn’t belong in church but I have a high doctrine of humour. Indeed, if humour is essential anywhere it is in church. Having worked for many years in ministry to the cults I have found humour one essential marker in the progress of the former cultist/new Christian in their journey out of the cult and into the church. It is when someone stops being precious or fearful about their cult past, can look back and chuckle at themselves and where they came from, that we begin to see real progress.

That said, there are pitfalls. It is the case that, especially among men, jokes can become very competitive. As each one-liner or shaggy dog story is told and the laughter rises to a pitch of hysteria (or so we like to think) things can get out of control. In the race to be the funniest someone tells an off-colour joke which gives permission to others to become more risqué. Soon the contest seems to override all sense of propriety until you are stopped short by the sudden realisation that you are laughing at the a dirty joke, or worse, telling one.

If we can see where the joke is going we might have the courage to object or, failing that,  make excuses and go to the toilet or something but sometimes an inappropriate joke can be upon us before we know it. Years ago someone uttered a one-liner in our company at work and before I knew it I had heard a grubby little joke (a pretty lame one at that) that comes unbidden to my mind every time a particular Christian teaching is preached or discussed.  Wild horses would not induce me to tell it and I deal with it by giving it to God and asking for his grace, but it does spoil things.

Perhaps like me you have learned the hard way to guard yourself against these things. People who maintain a standard whose value is so hard-earned can find themselves the object of mocking and derision, described as prudish and judgemental. A meaningless nod is sometimes given to our sensibilities as we are warned that what is imminent is not for people who are easily offended. I get angered by this misrepresentation of people with values as somehow milksop weak and old-womanly and want to say, “I am not easily offended. You are simply offensive!”

Comedy, it has been said, is the new rock and roll. Given the drive to shock, the rise in irreverence and sometimes downright insolence and cruelty in that field I can see the parallels.  I find myself sometimes asking whether anything is sacred to people and that, I suppose, is my point. There are some things in life altogether too sacred to be mocked. Adrian Plass and Jeff Lucas demonstrated that nothing need be out of bounds for well- handled good humour but they also demonstrated that, while it is good to laugh, even then some things are simply sacred and even our humour should revere the sacred.

If nothing is sacred to us I suggest our lives are impoverished, even as they are colourless without a good sense of humour. Without a good sense of the ridiculous we risk becoming far too self-regarding and serious. Without a sense of the sacred our sense of humour becomes a vehicle for bitterness and snide cynicism. I thank God for the lessons and laughs of the Seriously Funny Tour and hope we can find more and more inventive ways to laugh at ourselves while holding the sacred in the highest place in our thinking and living.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

BBC News - BNP votes to ditch whites-only membership rule

Imagine that!  Having to be equitable and inclusive in a liberal democracy. I think Black and Asian people should join in droves, achieve a majority voting block and vote the BNP out of existence.

The British National Party has voted to scrap its whites-only membership rules after an extraordinary general meeting.

Members who had gathered in Essex voted to amend the party's constitution to let black and Asian people join.

The BNP had been threatened with a possible court injunction over its whites-only membership policy by the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Now, if I had a party I would include everyone, take them to the movies, buy them popcorn and Ben and Jerry’s and tell them funny stories. Takes all sorts I suppose.

BBC News - BNP votes to ditch whites-only membership rule

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

BBC NEWS | Technology | Multitaskers bad at multitasking

I knew it! I just KNEW IT! All those smug beggars out there who thought so well of themselves (especially among the female population), who looked down on the rest of us getting one thing done at a time and made such a fuss about “juggling home and work” yadayadaya and all that guff are just shallow and ineffectual. Say it loud and say it clear:

MULTITASKERS ARE NO GOOD AT MULTITASKING!

If multitasking equals  shallow and inattentive then unitasking equals depth and attentiveness. Remember that you who blame memory loss on the pressures of multitasking; huh! PAY ATTENTION! (especially when driving). As I have always maintained – wherever you are be there because if your not where you are you are nowhere!

BBC NEWS | Technology | Multitaskers bad at multitasking

Monday, 29 September 2008

Sorry Mike Tea

I was browsing through some old threads on the Reachout Trust Discussion Forum and found this little gem. I have posted this list here before but I post it again so I can post the photo that some wag put up after its original appearance on the forum. The list featured signs you are having a bad day and was entitled


You know you are having a bad day when you wake up to find:


National Geographic have published a major article on the recently discovered city of Zarahemla.


The Smithsonian Institute has announced that the Book of Mormon is now their key reference text in exploring Meso-American archaeology.


Mitt Romney and a council of fifty are resident in the Whitehouse.


DNA has proved that Native Americans are descended from Jews.


The Book of Mormon is number one in the New York Time bestseller's list.


An underwater boat with holes in the bottom is discovered washed up on the shore of central America.


The Pope has issued a bull entitled Deus Corporeum declaring that God has a physical body.


A collection of prophecies that should have been added to the BOM since 1845 have been discovered. Among the prophecies were, the ending of polygamy, the Wall Street crash, two world wars, the assassinaton of president Kennedy, and Amy Winehouse winning the 2007 Brits music award.


Polygamy has become legal


Your pastor has invited the local Mormon bishop to preach on Sunday morning.


Your pastor sits in the front pew with his wives.


This is the picture posted in response:




Sunday, 24 August 2008

Moroni's Stairway to Heaven

I don't know about Jesus coming again but it seems this guy has had a second advent and got lost in some public building. Thankfully, he has a bugle handy and is able to alert others to his plight. Let's hope help comes otherwise he will be denounced by the Mormons as a fundamentalist false prophet. BTW, now we know how he descended and ascended as described by old Joseph Smith - he used a heavenly lift; ping! fourteenth floor, angels, archangels and sundry servants of the gods.



Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Be Careful What You Ask

We have been married for thirty four years and, I agree, a man of such long experience should know better than to ask a direct question. Any married man will tell you that any married woman will always meet a direct question with – a direct question. For instance, you are at the theatre, the play is dragging and you sense that she is not enjoying it any more than you are. At the interval you stand in the lobby or at the small and crowded bar (why are theatre bars always so tiny?). Out of concern for her you turn and ask, “Why don’t we give the second half a miss?” Suddenly, she is very interested in how the play turns out, even though it’s The Mousetrap and you have seen it three times before, and replies, “Do you want to go home already on our first night out together for months? You never take me anywhere.”

“But I didn’t mean…”

But what you meant is not the point. You asked the wrong question.

I should explain that I am a “househusband” while my wife is the “breadwinner”. Very enlightened. However, no matter how long this swapping roles business goes on, there are some things to do with the nature of men and women that never change. As we approached the penultimate day of the year I knew my wife was going to be in work on New Year’s Eve. The question was, did she plan to finish work early and return to hearth and home, Sparkling Perry, Trivial Pursuit – and foreshorten “my day”, or would she dutifully press on to the bitter and belated anti-climax that is New Year’s Eve at the office?

I was tired. It had been a busy Christmas (you don’t know how busy until you have to organise it yourself because, “that’s your job”). As we sat up in bed, she reading a Science Fiction novel, me reading the latest Kathy Reichs forensic science adventure and thinking about who of my acquaintance might look good on a slab, when the words just – slipped out. “Are you finishing work early tomorrow, sweetheart?” It sounded so right in my head but as soon as it was on my lips I knew I had blundered and could have wished myself on that slab.

I was simply seeking information. I had no views on the matter. It mattered not at all to me what her answer would be, so long as it was a straight answer. I thought of Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” he sang. Ask a man a straight question and the fellow will give you a straight answer. He understands the need simply to know, the problem-solving nature of questions, the worth of the direct route to a solution. To a woman a question is an opportunity for adventure, a chance to elicit something from an unexpected happenstance, to be complimented or, if she can catch him out, to be rewarded by her poor, dumb, placating husband, “No, dear, I really didn’t mean…?”

She turned and smiled in that inscrutable way they have and asked – asked mind, not answered, “Would you like me to finish early?” Oh, the fiendishness of it! The utter cunning of her gender. This would be tricky and, what made it worse, I had walked into it with my mouth open ready to receive both feet. I felt the panic rise in me like a flowing tide and my will to defy the fickle fates ebb away. I thought of how busy my day would be; how solitude in the kitchen would be so much more – salubrious than the occasional interruptions to, “come and see this on the TV, dear”, or, “Do you know where such-and-such is dear?” I love my wife, but I like my kitchen. It is my domain now. I know where everything is - I am in charge. It is the only place where I at least have the illusion of being king of my own castle. I spend hours in there, preparing food and listening to BBC radio 4, the Today programme, the News Quiz, “I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue”, with Humphrey Littleton. I am reluctant to come out of it until I am ready.

Steadying my nerves I took a deep breath and said, “Of course, my love, I would be ecstatic to see you home early. I would look forward to spending more time with you. However, I mustn’t be selfish, and I know how you hate to leave loose ends. You are getting on so well at the office I would hate for you to blot your copybook for my sake. If you need to work through I don’t want to get in your way.”

We compromised. She finished early but late enough for Radio 4 to lose my attention and the lounge sofa to gain my undying loyalty. If you are already kicking yourself for breaking your New Year’s Resolutions let me make you feel worse still. I have, so far, kept mine – to never ask a direct question.

Monday, 15 October 2007


"Oh, sister Avon, I spilled that cosmetic sample you gave me all over the rug!"
"Don't worry sister Clumsy, I brought brother Betterware of the High Priest's quorum with me. He has a bottle of Celestial Suds that will mop it up in no time."

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Nine Words Women Use

My daughter sent me this and now I understand - not!

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "fine."

4.) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinksyou are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) THANX: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying STUFF YOU!

9.) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I'VE GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a manto do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember theterminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh,cause they know it's true.

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Plain English

What quota of these statements can you render in the linguistic style appropriate to orthodox, non-complicated Anglican Plain English?

All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

Masculine cadavers are incapable of rendering testimony.

Neophyte's serendipity.

A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

Freedom from incrustations of grime is proximal to rectitude.

It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative manoeuvres.

Surveillance should precede saltation.

Scintillate, scintillate, minute, globular, stellar.

The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrious projectiles.

Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

No remittance is given for actions which are taken counter to the codified body of jurisprudence.

Travel Broadens the Mind?

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Texans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, können Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Texans
just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlate italiano?" No response.

"¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing.

So he has a final try: "Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?"

The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Texan turns to the second and says, "You know Bubba, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five and it didn't do him any good."

Monday, 2 July 2007

George Bush

I just have to share this excellent quote. It is from Gavin Esler of the BBC Newsnight programme http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/default.stm

Quote for the Day:I've just returned from the United States where I have been researching a documentary series for Radio Four called "The Clinton Years" to be broadcast in August and September. Today's Quote for the Day comes from a former Clinton Cabinet member who started assessing George Bush'spresidency.

"But George Bush has changed," I suggested to him. "For example, now he seems to get Global Warming." The former Clinton Cabinet member started to laugh. "President Bush does NOT get Global Warming,"he insisted. "In fact he doesn't even get Evolution."

Sunday, 1 July 2007

47 Rules for Writers

I don't remember where I picked these up but have found them invaluable down the years:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalise.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parentheticalwords however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasise!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forthearth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when itsnot needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hatequotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use itcorrectly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. The passive voice should never be used.
36. Do not put statements in the negative form.
37. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
38. A writer must not shift your point of view.
39. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in longsentences of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
40. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
41. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linkingverb is.
42. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
43. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
44. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun withsingular nouns in their writing.
45. Always pick on the correct idiom.
46. The adverb always follows the verb.
47. Be careful to use the rite homonym.And Finally...
47. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

Friday, 29 June 2007

The Revised History of Joseph Smith - Not by his Mother (Sung to the tune of "Oh How Lovely Was the Morning")

Bleak and ugly was the morning
Rain was coming down in pails
Joseph Smith had been out drinking
Quaffing moonshine and local ales
As he wandered home inebriate
To his knees he gently fell
And a vision induced by liquor
Arose from the depths of hell

"Joseph, if you will believe it,
I’m the father he’s the son.
As we tried to explain to Adam,
We are gods and you can be one.
Look out for a guy named Nephi,
He’ll come if he can, but look,
If he can’t I’ll send his mate Moroni,
And he’ll talk to you about a book."

Joseph ran to tell his mother,
"Mother, God appeared to me."
And his mother said, "Oh, Joseph,
Your tales will be the death of thee!"
So he went and told his father,
And his father said, "My son!
There’s some money to be made from this one.
We’ll be rich before the year is done."

"There’s no money in a vision",
Joseph reasoned with his dad.
Joseph senior then recounted
An encounter that he’d had.
"Look out for a man named Sidney,
He’s an educated man.
Sidney has a theory about Indians,
And we’ll utilise it if we can."

Sid and Joseph became Mormons,
"Wrote" a book and preached the word.
And their message won them converts
Even though it was quite absurd.
Priesthood quorums came from Sidney,
He was keen on firm control.
While for Joseph it was polygamy
That would define his prophetic role.

As the years have passed the Mormons
Have evolved and changed a lot.
Some would say this is their genius
Others think that it is a plot.
There are those who say that vision
Didn’t happen, not at all.
But the salutary lesson, surely,
Is drink comes before an upward fall.

You Know Your Having a Bad Day...

You know you are having a bad day when you wake up to find:

National Geographic have published a major article on the recently discovered city of Zarahemla.

The Smithsonian Institute has announced that the Book of Mormon is now their key reference text in exploring Meso-American archaeology.

Mitt Romney and a council of fifty are resident in the Whitehouse.

DNA has proved that Native Americans are descended from Jews.

The Book of Mormon is number one in the New York Time bestseller's list.

An underwater boat with holes in the bottom is discovered washed up on the shore of central America.

The Pope has issued a bull entitled Deus Corporeum declaring that God has a physical body.

A collection of prophecies that should have been added to the Doctrine and Covenants since 1845 have been discovered.

Among the prophecies were, the ending of polygamy, the Wall Street crash, two world wars, the assassinaton of president Kennedy, and Amy Winehouse winning the 2007 Brits music award.

Polygamy has become legal.

Your pastor has invited the local Mormon bishop to preach on Sunday morning.

Your pastor sits in the front pew - with his wives.